Beneath the Realms of Reason

2006-02-28T12:49:00.000+06:00

And the book of history is closed
And music never sounded better
And free never felt so expansive
So excuse me while I kiss the sky –Icarus style

Where spirit and soul reunite with mind and body
Where harmony replaces turmoil
Where peace replaces tension
Where it all comes together, in one beautiful experience called life.

...

2006-02-18T15:32:00.000+06:00

Sometimes the hardest to do is the right thing to do.
Sometimes what makes you happy and what’s right are not the same
Sometimes it’s best to shut up and take it,
Sometimes it’s best to lash out….
Knowing when is the best is vital and something I need to master.
Sometimes its good to open up and trust people,, sometimes you need to be careful
Its good to be open and non judgemental,, but sometimes its good to trust your instincts about the person.
When your mind and heart aren’t working together,,, always go with what your body says,, coz d body never lies… (by body here I mean the deeper being in you… *perverts*
Music makes it all better….its my therapy….
I think the colour blue can describe any feeling.. from bright electric blue for extreme perkiness to a deep dark blue for depression….
Spicy food makes all the difference.
Its good to make the first move.. its good to let it happen
Sometimes walking away is the best thing to do
…people will neva fully understand who I am.. I only wish I eventually do
I believe in a higher force,
I believe in love, n anything done out of love makes all d difference… even the worst verbal beating you’ve gotten
I have friends who’ll warn me and try to talk me outa doing what’s wrong for me,,, but will always be there for me, when I fall flat on my face, without any “I told u so’s ”
A hug is sometimes all that’s required.
Kissing beats anything else… anything else!!

2006-01-24T12:34:00.000+06:00

Sanity and common sense has left the building of my mind.. all that’s left now are shards of assassinations to what once was.. calmness…
Idealism and realism can never be seen at the same place having a goodtime together… agreeing to disagree
Normality and abnormality o such a fine line , one can never no when its bending…
Just like the lines that guide flirting and cheating….
Acceptability - stupidity, which one's its gona be

2006-01-24T12:32:00.000+06:00

When things go wrong do they all make a plan the previous night to pull out all stops to make it all go wrong,?? Is there some kind of devious plan that follows thru with such precision that u can run hide or confront it armed with everything possible.. but still loose d battle in the end? Can we ever be prepared for the worst? How do we know when is the worst… when is it only gona go up instead of deeper down…… why are people in power not there for d right reasons

If Only

2006-01-24T12:13:00.000+06:00

(this post is the result of a conversation i had with a friend who was talkin bout all the IF ONLYs , so we took 2 minutes to randomly write whatever came in our minds bout the if onlys we had runnin havoc in them)

If only money grow on trees If only I could fly If only he said yes If only chocolate was unlimited If only I wore dresses what would it be like? If only cave men rolled on lawns, would flees get into them?

If only it all came together If only it all works out If only people would take a minute and smile If only we could tell the ones we love we love them and not be scared of how it would change things.

If only money wasn’t what it takes to get me to Europe i'd be there in a minute

If only i met my soul mate, would i recognize him?
if only he met me, would he?

If only we had a beeper that would go off when the wrong people are around us If only I knew the right things to say at the right time If only I knew what the wrong things to say were and whens the wrong time to say them

if only i could type a whole sentence without a miss spelling (sigh) if only .. if only

2006-01-02T23:09:00.000+06:00

Why do we leave? Why do we keep coming back? Why do we seek adventure yet long to return? Why do we look forward to reunions when we couldn't wait to get out of school? Why do we want to be alone sometimes but never lonely? Why do we say there's no place like home and why can't we always stay there? Why do we travel to distant places and look for familiar faces? Why can't we stay connected yet be free?

Shards of Emotion

2006-01-02T13:07:00.000+06:00

Tangled up inside are the voices of many me….each the protagonist of parallel dramas running continuously…. But each so interconnected at every move. Every word.. every breeze every rain drop, all influence my life..

Its strange that each one plays a role so deviant from the real one….. but then again.. what’s the real one… what’s the core.. who’s to say which ones which.. is it something iv wanted to be and directed my life towards realizing it.. or is something that just is…??? strange.. the line that separates the two,… so thin... What’s what.. is something I find hard to decipher at the moment.. logic, reasoning,, none seem to exist,, or a atleast in perception.. Where’s the sense in pushing everyone that ever cared away and then feeling sad that there’s no one to turn to.. where’s the logic in trust when , betrayal happens that shakes it all again.. where’s the reasoning in letting only those that end up hurting you in, but leaving out those that are genuine… What’s anger when all I seem to do is cry.. what’s love when all it seems is pain… Words, don’t seem to mean what we’ve been made to believe… or at least life makes sure you get to a class on deciphering what they actually mean…

Cynicism is not me, has never been and as far as me having a working mind goes, will never be a part of me… But at transitions like these, its hard to figure out what’s hopeful n mere stupidity, what’s hope and mere denial… There’s got to be more than this .. There’s a pattern that needs to be broken… moving in circles is bound to give someone a bout of vertigo.. but what the hell is the answer…. Is the answer right there in my face, but its the question that I need to figure out,, is that what it takes to brake through, to pass go , n move on to the next level.. coz I’m quite fed up of it..

I’m bordering on a line of cynicism, denial, and a whole bunch of opposing “positive words” that right now don’t seem to hold their meaning. Scared, confused, anger, pain, hurt, confusion, .. I can go on listing out d core of every voice that’s screaming out to be heard… Which one’s the right one to listen to?… which one is really the experience, while the others are just frills for special effect?

How does one get clarity when there’s a pool full of quicksand for any thought that passes by… forever stuck and sunk into me…..

Confused… about what to do in life. What to do about this thing that I’m stuck in, how to handle it, get out of it, Scared of loosing it,, I’ve always been in control.. or at least knew where things were heading.. Right now its just everything and nothing.. A big black wall.

Anger at the pain that people I let in have caused… anger at myself for letting them in… anger at the betrayal from someone u really love…. Hurt from the actions of them.. Confusion about what I v always defined love by,, maybe iv patronized it too much,, maybe its true , I do live in a little fantasy world where I expect things to be perfect..

Confusion at how someone can tell u they love u, but every behaviour echo’s things so opposing, it makes u wonder ….

Hurts associated with love, pain with trust, voiceless with demands,

And its now time to say goodbye

2005-11-02T17:40:00.000+06:00

… and it seems like the hardest thing I’ve ever done…gotten myself so close to this point many times,, only to back down again.. There’re all these reasons as to why I should,,,,, but at the same time reasons that scream out on why I shouldn’t… ….

And I’m so stuck… coz in my mind, I know what must be done, yet my heart pleads otherwise….

2 yrs.. 2yrs of memories,, of experiences, of love, of hurt, of anger, of growth, of bliss……. 2yrs of time shared with someone aint easy to walk away from, no matter what anyone says.. no matter what the reasons are….

I still choke when I have to say it,, still trying to bargain for time in my head…. Guess when you know the inevitable is near , you wana hold on to what you have, for the little time that’s left… hard though, when what you have is miles away,,, what do you hold on to… boxes of laughter, pictures of experiences ?? how do u pack all those things into something tangle and hold on to it ,, till the whistle blows and its time to say goodbye..

Maybe going on a holiday together aint the right answer,,, maybe it’ll just mess it up even more, coz when its good its great….. And then we’re back to square one, with more confusions in my head… more time for my heart to reason out the good, to highlight the changes,,, more time to realise its right,,,, and yet still more time to listen to people tell me how wrong it is,, and how terrible it is…… Sometimes I don’t, cant, even identify the person they talk about… it can’t be…

And then reality knocks the wind outa you, coz somewhere down the line,, there’s a part of it that’s true and you know it….. a part that you don’t want to accept , but its still there… and that begins to gnaw at you,,, and no matter how far you run away from it,, it catches up with you,,,, Maybe its stories that are now so far behind,,, time changes so many things…. Time has gotten you closer…. ,, so a whimsical thing done in the beginning shouldn’t matter now, coz there wasn’t much seriousness that began it all…

But can it be forgotten, can it lay silent as you lay awake alone in bed, wondering if it’ll happen again,, wondering whether there are many more stories that you haven’t heard ,but none the less happened…. How far can belief take you,,, how much can love sail you thru it,,, how much can you turn away from, before it begins to choke you…… And spill out in anger , in pain, in hurt… How much of it is understood by the other person, who sees life so differently than you.. How do you explain hurt to someone who doesn’t see why it should occur in the first place…..

And yet why, why do some realizations occur only at the time when one’s walking out.. why only then does realization dawn on people. Is that the time to realise its worth… when its at the door??? Is the change promised then, for real or an attempt to keep the walk out away…. Is the change a permanent one, , or something that can never be achieved…

Ya, iv heard the once a crack always a crack thing.. but is that how life really goes,, that people are so tightly compartmentalized that there is no room to change.. that once a bum, always a bum, no matter what….. I’d like to believe otherwise,,, that once a bum always a bum, until one realizes ones a bum, and then actually wants to do something bout it, to change, and actually goes thru the painful transformation.. into well.. lets say a good bum.. since many people don’t believe total change can take place.

Then what…. Then the number of voices increase as the justifications add to why the walk out should still be put into action,, and the number of voices inside increase as well, as to why change should be given a chance….

Who's to define the progress of change, the person involved or the one looking for change…..

How much of it is one willing to forgive and forget in the name of love…..

And how long can you let those stories run quietly in your mind like a silent plague,

When is enough enough,

When does a promise turn into reality,,

how much should change before the change is believed,,,

How much pain can one go thru before it take a toll on you,

How much betrayal can one take before you loose all trust

How much is one willing to bare in the name of love,,,,,

Only time will tell.

Of Love and Soulmates

2005-10-17T23:57:00.000+06:00

Aint love a strange thing… we dream bout it.. Hear bout it all our life,,, in the movies, in the books we read…. Its everywhere.. and yeah it sure feels great.. but what’s with the ironicity with it…..

Some dream bout The one,, and live there entire life dreaming bout them,,, some of us actually find the one… n live that dream while it lasts… and I’m guessing or atleast I’d like to believe that there actually are people out there who did find the one, and r still living out that dream with the one….

.. well,, for d fortunate few who have lived dat dream if only for a bit,,, well,, the story continues… coz atleast now we know how the dream is in reality n o yeah,,, for those who hvnt ,, there aint no movie, no book, no story better than what it feels like in real life…

its .. well… its just something that needs to be felt n no amount of feeble attempts even by d best writers can actually get that feeling down in words….

But here’s where I’m stuck.. Are we ie, those who’ve lived dat dream, even if only for a while.. r we better off than many many others who’ve neva had dat …. Are we, who’v shared dat magic with d one person u were born to love,,, r we better off than those who hvnt, simply by knowin what dat magic feels like n living it.. but havin it come to an end ,,, in the most insane absurd unthinkable way possible, but neva d less, end…..,, or are they - d dreamers, r they better off, coz in their head they live dat dream,, but neva have to feel d pain, d horrible vacuum deep inside of knowing ,of experiencing, but neva experiencing again….

Sometimes I believe they r.. coz they continue to carry on n switch into the blissful “what can be” with happy endings.. unlike us, who slip into d “biss dat was” ,, n dream bout what could only b a could’v been,, but know it can neva be…

I dono..i love d fact that it did happen,, n dat meeting him reinforced my belief that, in spite of people telling me what i looked for was too idealistic n too perfect for a man,,, in reality does exist… n that fuels me to live thru life with that passion coz knowing dat I did find it once, means dat it does exist , n that it aint all too much,, aint a figment of my imagination but of reality.. n ah , d hope,, d hope dat if I found one,, I will find another, coz I felt that love,, n I’m worthy of feeling that love again,, coz I don’t believe it hasta end, n dat it was only this lil gift from d world, dat came wid an expiry date…. Maybe I’d like to think bout it as a boost that came at a time when I was beginning to think that maybe what I was lookin for was to idealistic, n dat d thought of scaling down got nature to weave a path where I’d realize dat it does exist n its just a matter of time.. hmmm wishfull thinking,, maybe ,,maybe not. I dono…

but I don’t think d force would want us to get a taste of something soo blissful, n den pull it away n keep us goin on d what was, n on d hopes of what can be’s….

I’m sure that it happened coz maybe if we look closely we’d see dat it happened at a time wen our conviction was being weekend,, or we were considering scaling down n compromising n settling on what would’ve been less.. n that it happened coz only den we’d neva give up on d concept of true love, on soul mates,, coz we’v felt it before,, n that memory would keep us fueled for all those terrible days when we wonder y,, y it hadta end,,, n on whether we’d ever a find another…

……..maybe those memories r to help build in us a conviction of neva giving up on a concept of love like dat.. though sometimes it gets us to building a conviction that , that was all there is, n that we’d neva feel a love like that again …..

Hmmmm like I said its hope.. I live life by that, knowing that if I felt it, it’s a reminder that its there n that I will feel something much more coz that was jst an appetizer n dat d main course is on its way….. it maybe terribly lost.. but hey.. who eva said that men were good in directions… ;)

The soul of where I live…

2005-08-11T12:47:00.000+06:00

Living in a place so different from home, among people who couldn’t get more strange… weird noises and names I’m yet to get accustomed to.. But gradually there’s a familiarity that’s beginning to grow… hint of sadness as that happens as I leave behind my book of history at what once was a place called home and now begin to look to something else with that familiarity.. that warmth….

Not in all my sweltering summer holidays spent here did I think I’d call this place home…. Never did I think this terrible heat , and strange place and people would be what I’d be waking up to everyday,,, n strangely, with a smile……

Its been hard,,, but im glad its happening. As I Remember a day when I was ready to pack up and head back to bangalore cz I couldn’t take this place that moved so slow,, that lacked the pulse that I enjoyed , that was part of my system for 21years….. after days of waiting and waiting for things to happen, there I was feeling dishearten,, wondering what I was thinking of moving base here, to this big unknown, unlike back home where I knew the uncertainties, as strange as that sounds… wondering what the wishful thinker I was got me tangled up in yet again ,as I hold on to the dream of starting something new,, an organisation that would deal with children in relation to what’s happen at home,, a place where couples would realize that how THEY ARE, affects their children,, an organisation that would start a movement , create a paradigm shift in how people function and affect young minds and breaks spirits, when it all can be avoided, when communicated with love and understanding and respect for each others views, no matter how small, how old, man or woman….

Sigh,, im glad the force didn’t let me take my heavy bags home with a heavy heart and one more dream pushed aside for time… but instead, at the point when I was at my lowest, and at the mercy of it, things clicked,,, contact numbers came floodn in, organisatons seemed to open up,, offers where being made..

im humbled as i look back at these 2 months and think at how things started falling into place… arbid meetings with arbid people in the strangest of places turned out to be most fruitful …….serendipity.. coincidence..

I’d like to believe otherwise….. I’d like to believe that this is how its supposed to be.. That I am exactly where I am to be, to be learning what IM LEARNING,, feeling what im feeling,, and touching the lives of those I work with and for…for here is where im happy,, for here is home!

…. DAM... just read what i worte and hmmmmm it sure sounds sappy….especially comin from me bout madras…. (sorry, aint gona be all politicaly correct, i cant get myself to call it any other name,it is Madras to me,, for Madras is where i was born...) Hehehe but im lovin it… ;)